Recovering.

There are thousands of instances where I can start talking about this blog. The experiences I had. However, I do want to be clear before I begin writing. There has always been a misunderstanding that has been floating around, that having emotions and feeling them deeply, is a sign of weakness. Now, I really don’t know the reality of it, as the world seems to be divided. What I do one thing, after meeting with my fair share of people, is that nobody deserves to carry your emotional baggage. Also, while I am writing this, I am deeply apologetic to the few people I have just given my baggage to handle because you never deserved it. The thing about emotions is that it is like water. Once it starts to flow, there’s actually no stopping it. You have to build a goddamn wall to hold its force. I think I am exactly like that.

When I was in school, I often used to get into fights, or I was the weird kid, who always felt left out no matter what. I always struggled in finding my people, or the people who may truly understand me and not leave me. All these years, I have kept all the hurt, pain, and misunderstandings stashed in the darkest corners of my soul. But, as days go by, I am slowly starting to address them and understand the situations. When we are kids, we always perceive something that is happening like it is and never mention it again. Because we are incapable of them, and secondly, how does a child tell you what they are feeling? How does a child tell you why they feel a certain way? Who understands them? I think, because of this reason, many of us suffer from not being able to understand our entire life. I think that is why I am still searching for all the unanswered questions. I think human beings are made in a certain way, so their minds and memories shield them from getting too harmful. I barely remember my childhood Is that because I had a rough one or simply I just don’t remember it.

Imagine, that you are being tightly held by someone. Anyone. You can still feel their arms around you when they release you from their hold, right? This is the same way I feel when my memories do not help me understand them. When my memories give me a small silhouette of what happened to me. Protect me, maybe? But I surely know one thing- I had a hard childhood. I may not be able to see my scars, but I can still feel it. Now, that I understood them, it is taking a lot of time to fill all these gaps, so that I may not fall again. Or even if I fall, I shall be protected. I shall be protected from all the cracks that can have the potential to ruin me. It is taking time. I know it will take a lot of time. However, I read somewhere that we determine the time for us. We decide at what pace shall our life be. So, maybe, I can try to set the pace this time. Slowly. But steadily.

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